My Story - Purpose and Identity
We all have unique life stories. Experiences. Personalities. Environment. Health. Spiritual involvement or lack thereof. Education. Hobbies. Callings. The stories each life shows the world is significant.
Our stories define us.
Let me share a bit of my story and why I’m so passionate about helping neurodivergent kids and adults to thrive.
I begin on my 24th birthday.
epiphany
The smalltown bar was packed. Pool stick in hand, I waited to take my shot on the pool table. I lit a cigarette and took another swig of beer. It was my 24th birthday. My celebration didn’t vary from my daily routine: hanging out at the bar, drinking beer, partying, smoking, and living an irresponsible and dangerous life. Suddenly, the room went silent. It was as if time stood still. I heard a distinct voice in my head say, “You were made for more than this.”
but was I … really?
I finished 67 out of 77 in my graduating class. I always go into trouble. Could rarely pay attention in class or do my homework. In my junior year of high school, I was admitted into a drug treatment center. I cut on my arms to soothe inner aggression. I wanted to die and was suicidal. Childhood trauma had left me as a shell of a girl who just wanted to be loved and to belong. I started smoking when I was 17 — 1-2 packs a day for the next 8 years. I started drinking when I was 19. When my best friend of 16 years died when I was 21, I sunk into a deep, devastating pit. I flunked out of community college. I had never read a book all the way through. Cussed worse than a nightclub comedian. I had no goals, no apparent purpose. How could I have been made for more?
Salvation
That epiphany in the bar impacted me privately over the next year as my life gradually hit rock bottom. I wanted to change, but knew it would take time. I began reading the Bible and seeking the truth of who God is. And then, one February night, I read John 14. “Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in [Jesus]. … I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Counselor to be with you forever—the Spirit of truth” (vv. 1, 16-17). Suddenly I was overcome with inexpressible joy and peace. I started crying. I went to my knees and pleaded for God’s grace, mercy, and forgiveness for the sins I’d committed — certainly, I was the worst of sinners! I felt his love, peace, and forgiveness. From that moment on, I was a changed woman. I quit smoking. Quit drinking. Cleaned up my language. Re-enrolled in community college, where I discovered my passion for writing. I devoted my life to getting to know this wonderful Jesus who saved and redeemed my life.
Between 2001-2023, I moved away from my old life and started attending a Bible-believing church in a new city. I earned a Bachelor of Arts in creative writing and English from Grand Valley State University. I went on to complete a Master of Arts degree at Cornerstone University (Grand Rapids Theological Seminary). Though my life was transformed and I was making better choices, old wounds simmered. I had yet to confront and heal from unvirtuous tendencies and childhood trauma. As time rolled on, my inner battles gained steam. Sadly, it took another round of difficult trials, hardships, poor choices, and a ruinous collapse for me to once and for all devote my life wholeheartedly to God, find freedom, and live out my God-given purpose.
where do i belong?
I longed for acceptance, love, popularity, purpose, and a place to belong. No, I was obsessed with finding these. I grew into a people-group-pleasing chameleon. Whatever group I was a part of, I observed (as an empath, reading people comes fairly easily) and I molded a mask that was fashioned from others’ expectations of me, personalities, and interests. I wanted to be valued. To be popular. To be in the know. To find “true love” and get married to the perfect guy, be a part of the perfect church, be loved by the perfect friend group. Without realizing it, these pursuits and desires surpassed my devotion to God (though I would’ve denied it at the time).
In 2015, God revealed to me my calling and purpose: minister to kids. Writing middle grade fiction. Promote stellar children’s literature. Volunteer and/or direct children’s and teens ministries. For the first time, I felt I was living in my true self. Like it belonged to me. I gravitated toward places like Walt Disney World, a happy place for me. I watched mostly kids programming. I eventually went on to substitute teaching and mentor troubled kids. I was a kiddult (Kid + Adult = Kiddult), and this wasn’t a mask fashioned from anyone else but, rather, by what was inside me. This was the real me.
But it hadn’t gained enough strength to keep me from making poor choices, grieving my Savior. It didn’t stop me from people-pleasing to get accepted. I wrestled with intense conflict within.
People pleasing is deceptive. We deceive and we are easily deceived. My idols distracted me from God’s purpose for me, my truest identity, which culminated in an epic downfall that only today, in hindsight, can I truly grasp where wrong motives and wrong pursuits led:
1. I lost myself. By trying to be accepted and liked by everyone, I never accepted or even liked myself because I didn’t know who I truly was. I allowed others to define me, assign my worth, dictate my career goals, and choose my interests and pursuits. Who was the Becky that God created me to be? Where was my kid-self that was, at the least, full of imagination?
2. I lost friends and acquaintances. Authenticity, humility, and love are necessary for friendships. I wasn’t authentic because I didn’t know how to be. I was full of pride in that I thought everyone’s life revolved around me and my life revolved around them liking me. When others discovered this, many naturally drifted away. Or when I didn’t meet others’ expectations, I was easily forgotten about and rejected.
3. I opened myself up to abuse. Being a people pleaser can subject one to destructive and abusive relationships and habits. When one is abused (whether physically, sexually, verbally, emotionally, or spiritually), they live fractured lives, reduced to living in the mindset of a defeated victim. It’s hard to conquer and achieve big things when the victim of abuse has been diminished so gravely by another person.
rededicated
People group pleasing led to the Crash of 2018. I lost — a lot. Church. Many friends. Job. Self-respect. Among other things. I remember sitting alone in my car at a county park. I wanted to kill myself. It was by the grace, love, and mercy of God that I didn’t (and the fact that the LORD gave me three adorable cats to love—no one could care for them or love them like I did).
“You were made for more than this.”
I was in a state of shock and confusion for the next year. Through this reflective time, I delved deeper into my relationship with God and started veering away from people. And then, finally, I wholeheartedly dedicated my life to serving God. I committed to a life of holiness, purpose, purity, truth, devotion to Jesus, and love.
“Therefore, since Christ suffered in his body, arm yourselves also with the same attitude, because he who has suffered in his body is done with sin. As a result, he does not live the rest of his earthly life for evil human desires, but rather for the will of God” (1 Peter 4:1-2).
covid-19 and my plan
On February 1, 2020, I quit my full-time church job to begin a non-profit committed to helping kids who were battling mental health and educational challenges. It was called KidzWay. My plan was to work at a local Boys & Girls club beginning in March 2020. I’d also substitute teach and take my mission into public schools.
Then, the world shut down! COVID-19. The nightmare. Everything came to a halt, including my plans and what I thought was my purpose. Once again, I was confused and didn’t know how to move forward.
Things got worse in September 2020. I became very sick (not with COVID). I experienced intense fatigue and exhaustion that would at times render me unable to complete simple daily tasks. Chest pain and shortness of breath. Chronic headaches/migraines. Increased panic attacks. Weakness. Dizziness. Stomach issues. Mind fog. Inability to concentrate. Disorientation and memory lapses. Weight gain. At times, I couldn’t clearly articulate or find the right words to voice what was in my head. It was debilitating. The symptoms have only gotten worse.
I went to numerous doctors. Underwent numerous tests. My health and COVID chaos plunged me into financial, mental, and physical ruin. I had to move three times in one year. Everything I tried to do, I failed at. My pursuits were all over the place like a pinball being whacked around the playing field, hopping off bumpers, punched by flippers, and tossed around by kickers and slingshots.
After four years of tests, meds, doctors, etc, I have answers. I finally have clear medical diagnoses that help me to understand my struggles better.
ADHD (Had this been detected and addressed when I was much younger, in school, I wonder how differently life would have turned out.)
PTSD
Mild neurocognitive disorder stemming from cavernous malformation lesions in my brain and spine that bled (in 2020).
Dysthymia Depression, which is basically chronic, persistent depression. Sometimes my depression drops to severe, other times it stays mild, but I’m rarely capable of feeling happiness or joy. This is a tough diagnosis for me because I crave fun, laughter, and joy. But, I won’t give up on restoring these critical healing powers and true characteristics of my personality.
Anxiety with panic attacks
Chronic migraines
Sensory issues
i was made for more
My greatest desire is to live from my imagination and write whimsical, magical middle grade fiction novels and kids stories. But so often when I try to write, panic strikes, my thoughts race, and my mind goes blank. Story ideas are numerous, but the words won’t come to me and this leads to intense anxiety. I needed a hobby that would help me cope. In 2023 I started designing and making sensory crafts and became interested in vintage toys. My crafts started selling at a few craft shows. I received positive feedback on my creations. For me, it was a good hobby, but I wanted to have more of a defined purpose. I wanted to teach and write and had wanted to do so for a long time.
Dealing with feelings of defeat, failure, and worthlessness, I found a healthy, creative escape where I could could dance my fingers around kinetic sand, paint and experiment with colors, showcase vintage toys in sensory materials, play with clay and Play Doh, imagine my creations as having their own unique stories.
Crafting is therapeutic.
Most importantly, within the last few years, my relationship with God has grown stronger and deeper. He has been so good and faithful.
Another healthy escape for me has been entering the immersive, imaginative worlds of KidLit: reading picture books, chapter books, but mostly middle grade fiction. The world is blessed with some amazing, wholesome KidLit authors!
But there are other authors that house unwholesome agendas. Agendas that—I don’t know if they realize—are hurting kids beyond repair. Many public (and some private) schools are jumping on board the “woke” or progressive train heading full speed toward a mountainous freefall. I’ve never seen public education in such a state of disrepair. Kids don’t learn. They don’t want to learn. They just want to belong. They want to do the least amount possible to pass or get by. Many kids are programmed on what to think, prompted to choose their preferred gender and identity, rebel against parents and authority, dismiss God, obsess with social media, learn about being sexual individuals. Many kids are in a state of mental breakdown, suicide, violence, bullying, and a lifelong battle with anxiety and depression. In their pursuit of acceptance, following trends, they lose their God-given identity.
When I asked a 6th grade girl how she uses her kid-like imagination, she told me, “They made us lose our imaginations a long time ago.” Kids don’t know how a wholesome imagination plays itself out, how to visualize better things. They’re not taught HOW to think, rather they’re taught WHAT to think. They don’t want to read exceptional KidLit books that usher them into new realms, into wholesome and fun places, where danger is averted in the end and good wins. Social media and phones and video games distract them from those things that could help them thrive and heal.
what i was made for
Thomas Edison famously said, “I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” And then he created the lightbulb and numerous other sorts of -graphs. That’s the thing about life. Rarely do we get things right on the first 100 tries. It takes even more attempts when you’re a recovering people pleaser and trying to find your place, your God-given identity.
Here we are today, 2024. School shootings. Gender ideology. Critical race theory. Political divisiveness. Anger. Rebellion. Violent, sexual movies and video games targeted for kids. Negative commentary in the media. Immoral literature and entertainment being forced on children at young ages. Families splitting. Suicide rates among kids on the rise. A failing public education system. Poverty. Wars. Bullying. The battle kids face today is devastating.
They turn to social media. And social media is the worst place they can go to find positivity, health, encouragement, happiness, and food for a wholesome imagination.
I’m passionate about using my life, my stories, my struggles to help kids. Also, zealous. Frustrated. Angry. In deep angst. My health prevents me sometimes from being useful in my mission. But I REFUSE to give up. I REFUSE to stand on the sidelines nursing my disabled self. I will not be complacent while kids are suffering. I feel their pain. I have to help. My calling and purpose are clear. So why can’t I function the way I need to, the way I want to?
“To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong” (2 Corinthians 12:7-10).
My disabilities are a reality and they weaken me. Pride is the greatest sin. Satan and his demons were tossed out of Heaven because of pride. Pride will not admit God is all-powerful, that I can do nothing without him, that his ways are perfect and right and just. Humility comes from weaknesses, acknowledging that it is the Holy Spirit working me that will do wondrous things.
My mission in this blog is about being a happy place for kids and kiddults battling mental health issues or other cognitive disorders, to find a bit of happiness, fun, imagination, and creativity. I’ll share healthy escape options that have helped me: book therapy; craft therapy; creativity therapy; prayer/meditation therapy; entertainment and play therapy; animal therapy.
My hero and greatest inspiration is Walt Disney. Walt Disney was intuitively aware of the issues that plagued and devastated society in his days. He set out to make movies that were wholesome, uplifting, and family friendly. At 52, he set out to create the happiest place on earth where families could come and escape their stressors and the harsh world outside. Many tried to shut him down. But his resolve led to the creation of Disneyland. I want to create the happiest place on the Internet and social media, in books, and in crafts so kids and adults can experience wholesome, uplifting, and fun ways to imagine better things.
If you’re reading this and you’re struggling with trauma, anxiety, depression, PTSD and other debilitating thoughts that tell you life is not worth living, or that you should end your life, please hear and believe me: